From the Wacky-News Desk

RE: Robert Lee, Confederates, and Related Nonsense

Robert Lee

ESPN announced yesterday (or the day before—it doesn’t matter) that one of their broadcasters, an Asian American by the name of Robert Lee, who was scheduled to cover a football game in Virginia this weekend, was pulled from the assignment because (are you ready for it?) someone might be offended by the similarity of the man’s name to that of the Confederate General Robert E. Lee, who, as we all know, is offending plenty of folks lately with his frightening statues. What in the world is going on with these pantywaist ESPN execs?

So my question is, where will the insanity end? What’s next in Zanyville, USA?

Confetti

Confetti

Hey, here’s an idea: How about calling for a ban on confetti because the word—think about it—almost sounds like “confederate.” One can imagine how such an almost-sounding word might cause somebody somewhere, with a fragile mental and emotional constitution, a slight bit of discomfort. I can see the tiny lip-quiver, the tear forming in the corner of the eye of that offended soul.

Let’s start that petition. Ban confetti! No more confetti at weddings, birthdays, and anniversaries. No party streamers either, because what if somebody mistakenly thinks, “Oh, you’ve got confetti“? Next thing you know they’re thinking “confederate,” and then holy cow—emotional melt down! It’s just not worth it. Forget confetti on New Year’s Eve, too. And definitely no confetti at victors’ parades. Imagine the benefits to society: celebrations will be much tidier, and no one will associate confetti with the dreaded C-Word. (High fives all around!)

Stone Walls

Stone Wall

While we’re brainstorming helpful suggestions for protecting delicate sensibilities, maybe our city councils ought to consider banning anything that resembles stone walls in case someone sees one and makes a mental connection with Confederate General Stonewall Jackson, which, in a second, could undo months of progress in therapy.*

Δ

(*Disclaimer: For those who don’t recognize satire, I am kidding about banning confetti and stone walls.)

© 2017 by Dean Christensen. All rights reserved.

Author: Dean Christensen

Educator, copyeditor, writer, voiceover guy, baseball bug, logophile, classical music afficionado, classic rock 'n' roll lover, classic-movie buff, bibliophile, former this, used to be that, and future who knows what. Every day is an adventure in learning.

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